I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize