I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
