My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
