Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize