you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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