You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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