i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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