Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This baby is an asshole
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
