If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
