every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do vagina's smell?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
