maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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