Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize