your thong is hanging out like whoa
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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