I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
