She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
