Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
