She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
