Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
