Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
