soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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