Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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