Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
