So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
