Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
