I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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