The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
