Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
