You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
