have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Enjoy the penises
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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