he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
