apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
