That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
