3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
