Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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