Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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