I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
