Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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