Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
