did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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