why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
