I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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