I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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