Sorry, I don't speak sober.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You are a genius and a whore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
