you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
