if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
