birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize