none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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