just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
