Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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