I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
