dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
