drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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