I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
