OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
there is puke in my bra ... again
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
