they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
