How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
