My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
