Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
