I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
where are my eyebrows?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
