why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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