Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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