that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize