Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize