it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
