If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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