ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
