I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
