You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
