So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
